A while back, an Internet wit compiled a list of signs that you're not spending enough time online. One sure sign is that poor spelling and grammar still bother you. Good one!

Unfortunately, there are no online grammar police... just you and me, voluntarily dotting our own "i"s and crossing our own "t"s. And since you want to go forth and prosper as an Internet business, you're taking the time to do it, right?

After all, as author Virginia Shea pointed out in her online book Netiquette, "On the Web, you won't be judged by the color of your skin, eyes or hair, your weight, your age, or your clothing. You will, however, be judged by the quality of your writing."

Okay, maybe these days people aren't as picky as they once were about speaking and writing perfectly. Whether that's okay or not is up for debate. But if you lose coherence as a result... well, that's going to cost you money and that's not negotiable, is it?

However, if you have too many customers and too much money, here are a few guidelines on writing for mediocrity:

1. Do not under any circumstances use the spell check function or have someone else proofread your text before uploading it. That wood be a horendus waist of time and serbs no porpoise.

2. If you don't have valuable content, don't worry... just substitute fancy fonts, busy wallpaper and lots of blinking banners. Your visitors will be so dazzled they won't notice you have nothing to say.

3. If you quote someone or use their content, don't waste your time asking their permission or giving credit. Why? Content wants to be free! Release it from its bonds of slavery.

4. Exclamation marks rule!!! Your prospects have likely never seen this tactic before and so will think that urgent punctuation (!!!) requires urgent action (!!!) on their part.

5. Don't be afraid of large blocks of text. Readers see that dense copy and say to themselves, "Oh goody, I was just running out of things to read!"

6. Bury your lead. This is an old journalism trick practiced by old journalists who can't remember the point of their story. This delightful writing style requires your readers to plow through a slagheap of details before reaching the nugget of your story. Internet users are patient creatures with nowhere else to go, so don't hesitate to ramble.

7. If you want your readers to take a specific action such as order a product or "click here", don't state that outright. Subtlety is best. Give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they know what they're supposed to do.

8. Which brings us to tone. Your written tone of voice is very important. You never want your readers to suspect that a real live person is standing behind their words or, worse yet, standing behind their product. Just pretend you are a robot and the writing will come much easier.

9. Consistently utilize a preponderance of gargantuan words, even in localities where a more diminutive congregation of characters would be sufficient. This method, employed with great success by lawyers, will convince your humble readers that you are infinitely smarter than them and they will do business with you out of sheer gratitude.

10. If you want to get more traffic to your webpage, stuff your content with as many of your keywords as possible. Don't worry if it stops making sense. The most important thing is that the search engine robots find your page. Your human visitors will figure it out.

By following the above guidelines in writing your content, you'll be moving the world one step closer to the day when the entire web is a syntax-free zone and professional writers (like me) spend our days fishing cigarette butts out of bus station ashtrays.

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